Off the Radar.

I'm not sure if anyone really reads my blog but I've been gone quite a long while and I apologise. The fact is that a chain of unfortunate events this year has led me to look at my life quite differently. I have learnt that bad luck comes in more than threes, but what I never grasped until now is that no matter how tough life can seem, there is always a little good around every corner. I have seen my world crash around me this year and all my control just melt away. For a while I let my grief and anxiety consume me, I wrapped it around me like a dark blanket and carried it with me wherever I went (If I chose to go anywhere). I lacked motivation and any other emotion but sadness, my work became affected; my education was put at risk and my life halted. Then one night I tipped myself over the edge and that was when I knew I needed help and I got it. To me, help always seemed a bit pathetic, like you had let yourself down. I have struggled with a dark cloud shadowing my mind since I was 13 (I am now 20) and the idea of talking to someone about every silly thought that went through my head seemed hellish. I felt like no one would ever understand my hardships and my views and now that I am an adult I understand how very wrong I was. It's not that they understand exactly either, it's that they accept everything you have to say. You are not judged. I think that is what I was always so afraid of - being judged for just being me. For being human. I think anybody that finds themselves at their own personal rock bottom should always get help. You don’t have to live with your sadness and you don’t have to bear that weight on your shoulders. If I could give the best advice possible it would be this – talk to somebody. It's been an interesting few months and looking back on all that has been discussed and all that I have said I think I’m finally starting to make sense of the dark cloud. A couple of months ago I was so sure that everyone had abandoned me, when in reality I had abandoned myself. I am finally beginning to accept myself, but that does not mean that I am not looking for change or to put it better - growth. I am determined to become a better me, I am looking to regain my control. It will be a difficult process, a lot of hard work on my part, but I can already feel a tinge of strength back in my bones. The pressure on my head is subsiding and a feeling of relief and anticipation for what is to come. I am ready to start fresh and new, not to mention regularly updating this blog. Thank you for reading, Lulabelle.